Glaring Problems
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Naruto gets fed up at all the people glaring at him all the time and uses Shadow Clones to let them see what it feels like. What does this have to do with Overloli Hanabi and The Orange? Read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Glaring Problems**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any intellectual property connected to it.**

Naruto paused as he was about to go meet the rest of his team for their latest mission. He was really tired of being glared at by civilians, it seemed that no matter what he did they tried to make him feel unwanted and like he should leave.

Well fuck that, this was his home and no one was going to drive him out of it!

Making a quick handsign he created dozens of clones and sent them off. If these pricks thought they could get rid of Naruto Uzumaki they had another thing coming.

At every street corner Naruto paused and created more clones. By the time he reached the east gate there wasn't a corner of Konoha that didn't have a Naruto perched on a roof in plain sight, like a colorblind gargoyle carver had gone mad.

Sakura and Sasuke looked at the stone faced Naruto and then at the village covered with perching orange eyesores. They weren't sure what was going on, but neither was willing to risk finding out. Knowing Naruto it was either a legendary prank or something that would make your brain hurt to know, probably both.

Tazuna looked like he was going to say something, but a quick gesture from Sakura shut him up.

The team waited in silence while Naruto made batches of clones and sent them off for god knows what purpose.

Kakashi arrived a full hour ahead of schedule, meaning he was only half an hour late shivering. "Let's get out of here, this is creeping me out."

As the village vanished into the trees behind them, Naruto sighed and seemed to relax a bit, but continued to make clones every couple of minutes.

"So, Naruto..." Kakashi asked carefully. "Is something on your mind?"

"Just making a point Kakashi-Sensei," Naruto replied as his latest batch of clones turned into eye searing orange squirrels and scampered into the trees.

"And that would be?" he asked, as everyone listened closely for the answer.

"They can glare all they want, but nothing is driving me from my home!" Naruto growled.

"Well, maybe if you didn't..." Sakura began, only to be cut off sharply by Kakashi.

"Shut it Haruno, there is more going on than you know." The last thing he wanted was for Sakura to upset the already upset Naruto.

"I decided if they liked glaring so much, I'd give them a taste of their own medicine."

Kakashi nodded, glad it was something minor since shadow clones had a limited range. They would vanish shortly so he needn't worry about Naruto panicking the population.

Naruto sent another batch of squirrel clones off.

"If you keep that up, you're going to end up suffering from chakra exhaustion," Kakashi warned him.

Naruto snorted. "A glass of water and five minutes of rest and I'll be fine, you know that."

'I did?' Kakashi thought to himself, trying to ignore the horde of orange squirrels that were in the forest around them.

0oOo0

"I admit I'm feeling a bit creeped out," Kiba admitted to Shino, as they headed off to lunch under the watchful eyes of countless Narutos.

Shino took in the empty streets around them. "I don't think you're alone in that assessment."

Hinata walked silently behind the pair, smiling shyly at the many Naruto's and blushing heavily at the smiles she received in return.

0oOo0

"Considering he's been subjected to the glares of most of the population for no better reason than the fact that he exists," Sarutobi remarked dryly. "I find it hard to sympathize with any of you."

"But it's not just one glare, its countless ones from every direction!" a man exclaimed.

The Hokage simply raised an eyebrow.

"Oh," the man said, suddenly realizing that's exactly what Naruto had been dealing with, not just him alone glaring.

The old man grinned at the village council. "I afford him the same rights I afford all of you. I'm perfectly willing to make a law that Naruto Uzumaki is not allowed to glare at the civilian population; as long as you accept a law that states the civilian population cannot glare at Naruto Uzumaki."

0oOo0

The clone held out as long as he could before he gave in to the persistent puppy dog eyes sent his way by the Konohamaru Corps. "Fine! I'll play ninja with you."

0oOo0

Earlier that day...

Hanabi Hyuuga was a champion glarer. She could make nin up to chunin level uncomfortable on a good day, but now she apparently had a rival. Her eyes narrowed as she took in the Naruto perched on her roof.

Present …

Hiashi turned to the branch member who had been guarding her. "How long as this been going on?"

"Several hours Hiashi-sama. She climbed up onto the roof and started glaring right back at him."

"And the scoreboard?"

"Several more Uzumakis showed up and built it so they could keep track."

"And the audience?"

"The Uzumakis who have showed up seem torn between, 'Loyalty to the Orange' as they phrased it, and admiration for her skill. Hence the crowd on each side. In fact, she blew on a butterfly to keep it from landing on her nose, but that caused her to blink, costing her a point. However she gained a half dozen Uzumakis on her side for using the precise amount of force needed to deal with the distraction."

Hiashi nodded and decided he needed to go have some tea. "Carry on."

0oOo0

Team 7 crested a hill, only to find a pair of nin standing back to back in the center of the path, surrounded by an ungodly amount of orange squirrels who just stared at them unmoving.

"The Demon Brothers, chunin ranked missing nin from Mist," Kakashi announced. "Not much of a reward and Jounin are instructed not to go headhunting when with their genin teams, if at all possible."

A squirrel twice as big as the rest, with a lot of grey in its hair, and wearing an eyepatch, came out of the bushes and chittered with the surrounding squirrels, whereupon they cleared a path to allow the Demon Brothers to escape.

As the two nin ran off and the squirrels ran into the forest, Kakashi couldn't help but ask, "Ok I'll bite, why are you making so many clones and why squirrels?"

"The Old Man told me that if I got upset, releasing a lot of chakra would help calm me down and Iruka told me the more practice I get with my jutsu the better, so I'm following their advice."

"Carry on," Kakashi said, returning to his book and wondering why the Demon Brothers would be this close to Konoha.

0oOo0

"Umm, sir..." the Anbu officer ventured, carrying a three foot high stack of papers.

"What is it now?" the Hokage asked, eying the stack of paper warily.

"It's concerning genin Uzumaki and one of the statutes put into effect for nin, following the fall of the Uchiha clan."

"These are all charges against Naruto?"

"No sir, the statute concerns the reward for nin foiling civilian crimes. Genin Uzumaki is kinda omnipresent in Konoha at the moment and despite people's grumblings, he dislikes certain types of behavior."

"Are you saying Naruto has wiped out all the petty criminal activity in the village?"

"No sir, as he refuses to prosecute some types and doesn't know the law well enough to identify everything, but he's certainly taken out a large chunk of it."

"What type does he refuse to prosecute?"

"Anything to do with sex that doesn't have an assault charge involved. He says what people do in private is their own damn business and spying on them makes you a bigger pervert than they are."

The Hokage chuckled. "So how much of a reward has he earned?"

"Enough to buy a house and the day isn't over yet."

0oOo0

"Try not to tip the boat over, please," Kakashi requested as Naruto made half a dozen clones, not even needing to gesture anymore to create them.

The clones changed into ducks and paddled off.

Sakura exchanged glances with Sasuke and mouthed the word 'Ducks?' but didn't say anything.

"Gato's men have been known to patrol the area so try and keep your voices down," the boatman ordered.

"No one's around," Naruto said. "One of the ducks would have spotted them from above if they were."

"Naruto you moron, just because you can henge your clones into ducks doesn't mean they can fly. It's only a damn illusion," Sakura growled.

An orange duck swooped down from the sky and tried to land in the water, but ended up crashing and poofing away.

"Flying is easy, it's landing that's a bitch," Naruto replied to the shocked nin.

The nin stared at Naruto in shock.

"What?" Naruto asked. "I can't do illusionary clones to save my life and you thought I could do the same henge as you, a jutsu that uses even less chakra?"

"Most people would have worked on their chakra control, not have invented a new jutsu," Kakashi pointed out.

"Most people didn't have to deal with teachers who'd rather cut off an arm than actually help them learn anything," Naruto replied somewhat caustically.

"Iruka?" Kakashi asked.

"Did a great job but started out just like the others, and by the time he actually saw me for me there wasn't really enough time left to do anything," Naruto growled in frustration, "and let's face it, between not being able to sit still for very long and being self taught in practically everything he did a damn good job. Besides I have too much chakra for the Academy control exercises to do any good."

Kakashi winced as Naruto turned away angrily and started making more clones, he'd been Naruto's teacher for months and hadn't exactly addressed those issues yet as he'd concentrated on teaching them teamwork and procedures, he'd assumed they'd spend the morning practicing and training until he arrived – but if Naruto didn't have anything worthwhile to practice … Oops!

"Huh," Naruto said thoughtfully, "someone just tried to dine and dash at Ichiraku's."

"How would you know that?" Sakura asked, confused.

"Because one of my clones just popped," Naruto explained, "I didn't know I'd get their memories."

"It's written right on the scroll underneath the technique where it outlines the positives and negatives of the technique," Kakashi said.

"I had to teach myself to read," Naruto replied, turning away from the rest of his team, "I'm still working on it."

Kakashi felt like the biggest heel in the world at the moment. "When a clone pops the original and all the clones receive his memories, but I've never heard of anyone being able to maintain them at this distance though."

Naruto made a clone that immediately dismissed itself, a minute later he flinched. "Yeah, that works."

"Did you just dismiss all your clones?" Kakashi asked, concerned that the psychic shock from hundreds of clones would be too much for the boy.

"No, but about a hundred of them made and dismissed their own clones, so I'd know what was going on."

"So, whats going on?" Kakashi asked, curious despite himself.

"A lot of crime foiled, about 35 clones have been seduced by Hinata's younger sister Hanabi…" Naruto began.

"Isn't she about 8 years old?" Kakashi interrupted, idly preventing a shocked Sakura from attacking Naruto.

"Yeah, but she's real cute and has a strong will, so she's been challenging clones to games and win or lose she's shown what kind of person she is. So a group of clones are now obeying her," Naruto explained.

"So, by seduced you meant …" Kakashi said leadingly.

"Been so adorable and determined that they couldn't help but want to encourage her and have stopped following my commands to help her train."

"Ah, well to avoid confusion I'd avoid using the word seduced in reference to any young girls in the future."

"Why? Only a complete and utter pervert would think it was something dirty!" Naruto retorted, while Sasuke eyed Sakura and Kakashi warily.

Naruto's next batch of clones changed into tigers and clumsily swam ashore, showing none of the trademark grace tigers usually had which was a bit more surprising than how bright the orange was in their coats, much less the neon green they had in place of a normal tiger's black stripes.

"Why are they so clumsy?" Sasuke asked as they poled to the shore.

"I haven't practiced being a tiger enough yet," Naruto replied, "which is strange because I've got house cat down pat but tigers have a lot more muscle to move around."

0oOo0

"The key to the Gentle Fist is flexibility and accuracy," Hanabi lectured, "I must improve both if I want to advance."

There was a poofing noise and one of the clones told her, "I've put the word out, all the clones will be on the lookout for ways to improve flexibility and accuracy."

Hanabi beamed for a moment before recovering and forcing herself to keep a neutral mask on. "Thank you."

The mass of clones surrounding her, which had henged into eight year old boys and girls with straight blonde hair and pupil-less blue eyes with bright orange clothes styled to match hers, bowed. "You're welcome your highness."

0oOo0

"How do you change the mass of your clones to match your target animal?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know how I do it, but I know I have to keep it in mind or I wind up with squirrels who can't climb trees because they sink into wood like it's mud."

"Have you tried making denser clones to increase their strength and toughness?"

"Nah, it sounds like a good idea, but then the moment you step off into dirt you start sinking like it's quicksand, plus you slow down a lot."

"That would be a problem," Kakashi admitted.

"How would I go about increasing flexibility and accuracy?" Naruto asked, the forest around them filled with chattering orange squirrels and the occasional tiger.

"What brought this on?" Kakashi asked.

"Hanabi needs to increase her flexibility and accuracy so she can get advanced training in the Gentle Fist, the clones following her put out the word to find a solution."

"Hmmm," Kakashi murmured while thinking about it, the poof of Naruto making clones not even noticeable after so long listening to it. "The two people I can think of who have noticeable skills in that direction and could probably be convinced to help are Anko and Tenten."

"Tenten, the girl with buns in her hair that graduated last year, right?" Naruto asked thoughtfully.

"Right, she's one of Gai's genin, so I know a bit about her because Gai likes to brag about how 'youthful' his team is. Tenten scores 100 out of 100 regularly in accuracy with thrown weapons and genin are rather easy to convince or bribe for help training."

"Actually I believe Panda-chan owes me a favor, I helped her get rid of a genin who didn't want to take no for an answer," Naruto said thoughtfully. "Been a while since I saw her but she should remember."

"Good, now Anko is a Special Jounin; she was an apprentice of the Snake Sannin before he went rogue, she's gotten a lot of flak for that and as you could imagine she's more than a little jaded and distrustful. But when it comes to flexibility there aren't many who can match her; her two main weaknesses are sake and dango – you're going to have to bribe her and it's going to cost you."

"Not a problem!" Naruto declared with a smile as one of his newly created clones vanished while the rest changed into tigers and stumbled off.

0oOo0

"We have a lead, Hime!" a Naruto-Hyuuga clone declared. "Two trainers, one of which owes me a favor – should I see if she's available?"

"Make it so," Hanabi said, trying to sound like a confident ruler.

"Hai, my Hime!" Naruto said, transforming back into a standard Naruto clone and rushing off.

**AN: Godogma typed it for me, despite being sick.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Down!" Kakashi yelled as a huge sword sailed through the air.

Everyone dropped to the ground, except Naruto who just stood there.

His teammates watched in horror as the sword cleaved through Naruto's neck before slamming into a tree 20 feet away.

***POOF!***

They all breathed a sigh of relief as Naruto's body poofed away in a puff of smoke, showing it was just a shadow clone.

"Sharingan Kakashi..." a shirtless nin announced as he appeared atop the massive blade. "I'm just here for the old man, let me have him and you and your genin can go free."

"Zabuza, the Demon Swordsman of Hidden Mist," Kakashi said climbing to his feet. "What do you want with my client?"

"To kill him, I'm under contract," Zabuza announced.

"Sorry, we're being paid to protect him," Naruto said, stepping out of the woods slurping noodles from a bowl of ramen.

"Paid for a C Rank mission," Kakashi felt he had to point out. "Zabuza's presence makes this at least an A Rank mission."

"So let's put it to a vote," Naruto suggested before handing his empty bowl to a clone. "Take this back to Ichiraku's please."

The bowl in the clone's hand vanished and the clone blinked and examined his surroundings before walking into the bushes.

"I vote we continue!" Tazuna exclaimed pleadingly.

"Civilians don't count," Kakashi said, though not unkindly. "I vote we cancel the mission; we were not paid nor prepared for an A Rank and I can't face Zabuza and guard you genin at the same time with any degree of certainty."

"I agree," Sasuke said. "We weren't contracted for an A Rank and all of my preparations were for a C Rank. Going into battle unprepared should only be done as a last resort."

"Sorry Tazuna, but I'm with Sasuke; we simply aren't trained for this yet," Sakura apologized.

"Well there you have it old man," Zabuza laughed. "You get what you pay for."

"I haven't voted yet," Naruto pointed out.

"Three to one baka," Sakura groaned, "your vote doesn't matter."

Naruto gave Zabuza a feral grin, ignoring Sakura. "I vote to continue, so even if you don't have to face my team you still have to face me, myself and ..." in place of the word I the tiger clones in the forest roared, making the air tremble.

"What the HELL is that?" Zabuza demanded.

"I almost feel guilty for what I'm about to do," Naruto said cheerfully, while grinning widely.

"You don't look like you feel the slightest bit guilty!" Zabuza accused Naruto as green and orange tigers slowly slunk out of the underbrush.

"I did say almost," Naruto pointed out helpfully. "I'm going to set dozens of the most vicious creatures known to man on you."

"Tigers aren't that fearsome," Zabuza said bravely.

"Unfortunately this breed has a tendency to go for the nuts first," Naruto said gleefully as Zabuza paled and his eyes darted about trying to watch all the tigers at once.

"Sic em!" Naruto ordered, and Zabuza was washed off his sword by a river of biting and clawing squirrels raining down from the branches above him.

"Naruto, I'm in command of this mission," Kakashi said formally, "and as such my orders are law."

"So we shouldn't use my distraction to withdraw?" Naruto interrupted him.

One of the nearby clones examined Sakura closely, circling her before poofing away.

"Huh?" Sakura asked, confused by Naruto's actions.

Without a word another clone walked up and put his hand on her shoulder and then she popped like a typical Shadow Clone.

Sasuke stared horrified and then noticed a clone circling him and stabbed it, causing it to pop.

"It was just going to pop itself anyway," a Naruto said, approaching Sasuke who was nervously backing away, both of them ignoring Zabuza who was rolling around on the ground in a panic, screaming like a little girl and carpeted in bright orange squirrels.

The Naruto standing in front of Sasuke stopped moving and shook his head. "You're just making things hard on yourself, hold still!"

"I don't feel like being popped today," Sasuke replied nervously.

The clone next to the Naruto talking to Sasuke poofed into smoke, and a moment later Sasuke felt a hand on his shoulder and a voice whispered in his ear, "It's already too late."

Kakashi reached for his Sharingan eye and backed away from the clones while Tazuna looked on in horror as Sasuke poofed into smoke.

"Naruto, what did you do to them?" Kakashi demanded, his Sharingan eye spinning as it tried to find the real Naruto; a futile effort as they all had the same chakra signature and were physically identical.

"You wanted us to retreat right?" a Naruto asked. "So they'd be safe?"

He had to step back and allow a screaming Zabuza to run past, followed by a river of squirrels before answering, "Yes, I did."

"Well that's all I'm doing, making sure nothing can hurt my teammates," Naruto said with a proud smile.

0oOo0

Sakura blinked and looked around Team 7's meeting spot as Naruto removed his hand from her shoulder. "How did I get here?"

"Replacement Technique," Naruto replied easily.

"But that's only Line of Sight!"

"Well, yeah..." Naruto admitted, "But using clones I can see a lot farther, though I still have to make sure I have an exact replacement for you, meaning a matching clone, otherwise the chakra cost would be insane."

"That's why you examined me so closely!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Yep," Naruto said agreeably, making a clone duplicate of Sasuke and putting his hand on its shoulder. Rolling his eyes he walked behind the cloned Sasuke who had pulled a kunai and balanced himself on his heels and leaned forward like he was whispering in his ear.

"Aaaah!" Sasuke shrieked like a little girl and flung himself forward, his now red eyes spinning with a fully active Sharingan.

"Sasuke?" Sakura asked, wondering what had scared him so badly.

"Sakura! You're alive?" he exclaimed in shock, and looked around. "And we're home?"

"Yeah, simple Replacement Technique," Naruto explained, "had to use clones so it wouldn't take all my chakra to switch with you."

"Sasuke, your eyes!" Sakura breathed in wonder, pulling out a compact.

Sasuke calmed down and stared at his eyes in the mirror. "Ok, you've managed to help me activate my Sharingan; I won't kill you for making me think you just murdered Sakura and were about to do the same to the rest of us."

"What?" Naruto asked, confused.

"Try and see it from the point of view who doesn't know what you were doing dobe!" Sasuke growled.

The Kakashi clone knelt down and bowed his head like he was awaiting the killing stroke.

"I get what you mean now."

A clone placed its hand on the Kakashi clone's shoulder and a moment later they could all hear Kakashi muttering, "It's all my fault, I failed and got them killed just like my original team."

"Kakashi sensei..." Sakura trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Maybe saying it was time to rejoin his team was a bit much," Naruto replied.

"What?" Kakashi asked, looking up and seeing where he was.

Sasuke stared at Kakashi in shock for a moment, before grabbing Sakura's compact and holding it up to his face.

"Mangekyou Sharingan," Kakashi said and suddenly corralled his students in a big hug, "you're all alive!"

"Uh, yeah..." Naruto agreed, "I used the Replacement Technique paired with Shadow Clones so we could retreat safely."

"You are truly a frightening individual," Kakashi declared solemnly. "Now! Who wants to get drunk with their sensei?"

"I'm in," Sasuke said instantly.

"I-I'm in," Sakura added, not wanting to be left out.

"Sounds like fun," Naruto agreed.

"How can we think of fun when we just left the old drunk to die?" Sakura complained.

"Please, he has about a thousand Naruto's with him; he'll be fine!" Naruto replied.

"A thousand …" Kakashi's eye lost focus for a second, and when he regained it he noticed there were still a plethora of Naruto clones in town. "First one drunk gets to learn a new jutsu," he promised.

"Woohoo!" Naruto cheered, "I'm going to get drunk faster than any of you!"

0o0o0

"Hey Tenten," Naruto called out as he approached Team Gai's regular training ground, where Gai was sparring with Lee while Neji practiced deflecting kunai with Tenten's help.

"Uzumaki?" she replied, not having seen him since she graduated the year before, but having seen quite a few clones of his today.

"That's me," Naruto said. "I'm here to collect on that favor you owe me."

"Favor?" Tenten asked as she tried to recall what he was talking about.

"The favor you promised when you said and I quote 'Dear lord in heaven if someone doesn't do something about these two idiots and soon I'm going to snap,' you promised you'd do anything and that you'd be my friend for life."

"Oh! That favor," Tenten said, having repressed anything surrounding that favor through force of will. "That was almost two years ago, you can't hold me to promises made in the academy, we were just kids."

"Ok," Naruto said mildly.

"Ok?" Gai asked. "You accept defeat this easily?" He wondered what had happened to the genin who never gave up his rival had mentioned.

"Some things are only of value when freely given," Naruto replied, as thousands of minds thinking countless thoughts had made him a bit philosophical. "I'll simply undo the favor I did for her and consider us even."

"What favor could you have done two years ago that could be undone so easily now?" Gai asked curiously.

Naruto waved his hand and two clones appeared and ran off in separate directions. "She was being harassed by a pair of genin who took an interest in her."

Tenten groaned as she remembered the pair and everything surrounding the events in question. Naruto had been kind of a friend at the time but after he'd claimed credit for getting rid of those two idiots when she knew for a fact they'd just stopped chasing her to pursue someone else she'd begun to distance herself from him.

"You didn't do anything Naruto," she said with a sigh, not wanting to embarrass him despite what he'd done back then, but not wanting to look bad in her teammate's eyes either. "Mizuki sensei told me they just found some other girl to follow and you were planning on taking credit for it."

Gai's eyes lit up in understanding. "Speaking of the traitor, has he been sentenced yet?"

"Yeah, I got done testifying against him last month. Despite his crimes he only got sentenced to 20 years and they tried to rescind my graduation from the academy."

"If I remember correctly you were dead last in your year and had failed the graduation exam several times," Neji spoke up, feeling a slight need to get in a dig against Naruto for his dismissal of Tenten. "they were right to have done so."

Gai continued on as if Neji hadn't spoken, "How did that turn out?"

"The Old Man said that if sneaking into the Hokage's Tower defeating the Hokage and discovering and neutralizing a traitor didn't qualify me to be a genin he'd like to know what did. The three Council members who kept arguing after that were sent to Ibiki for an 'attitude adjustment'. When the Old Man puts his foot down its best not to be under it."

Gai laughed. "Truer words were never spoken."

Naruto grinned, finding that he was beginning to like Gai; there weren't many adults he could say that about which prompted him to make an offer he normally wouldn't, "How much is Zabuza of the Mist worth and could you take him?"

Gai blinked at the sudden change of topic but pulled out a Bingo Book and showed Naruto the listing.

"Wow, that's a nice wad of cash."

"Indeed, I believe myself to be more than a match for him on land; though I don't like to boast," Gai said modestly.

"If I could get him here, would you give me 10% as a finder's fee?"

"I'm going to assume you know of a way to bring him here and not that you know of a dangerous missing nin near the village and haven't reported it," Gai said, shaking his head and beginning to remove his weights much to his team's shock. "I will accept no more than 50% of the fee. I assume from your tone we have to move quickly on this?"

Naruto grinned broadly; he was REALLY beginning to like Gai. "I have found a unique way to combine a couple of simple jutsu so I can bring him to wherever you want, but he's starting to regain control of himself so it'd be safer to do it quickly; it'll be like I switched him with a kawarimi."

"Defensive Formation; Earth Wall!" Gai announced, his team quickly responded by entrenching themselves behind a fallen oak. "Anytime you're ready Naruto."

"On it," Naruto agreed and snapped his fingers, vanishing into smoke and a minute later a dozen Naruto's arrived with one giggling and riding piggyback on another.

The Naruto carrying the giggling one quickly took charge, "Set it up but make him bright orange, so Gai will know when to strike."

"Why does that clone appear to be drunk?" Gai queried.

"Because I am drunk," the clone in question replied with a grin. "See original me and my team are completely … soaked? I think that's the word. I accidentally traumatized Kakashi and Sasuke, so it's group bonding by drinking right now, but Cloney said they needed a clone with a lot of juice for a long range switcheroony, so original me, who is drunk, made me, who is also drunk."

One of the clones had turned into Zabuza wearing a bright orange outfit while several others turned into orange squirrels and clung to him.

The drunk one grinned and giggled. "I got enough power to do this as me, but that's not as much fun," he said, not really explaining anything before becoming a squirrel.

The clone in charge nodded. "When his clothes change from orange it'll be Zabuza, begin!"

The drunken squirrel scurried up the henged Naruto's pant leg causing him to panic and less than a second later his clothes changed color.

No one even saw Gai move; he was just suddenly standing over an unconscious missing nin and pulling out a roll of ninja wire from his vest to restrain him.

o0o

Haku debated with herself about whether to help or not. Zabuza had told her only to interfere as a last resort, but what she had seen so far was truly frightening; masses of bizarrely colored animals acting as one, and a nin who'd killed his entire team by popping them like clones.

She really couldn't imagine how things could get any worse... and then Zabuza's clothes turned bright orange like the animals that had attacked him and he stopped fighting as the animals dropped off him.

'Oh god! He's become one of them!' she thought to herself before attacking. Screw the plan, she was going to save him!

o0o

Naruto didn't know what was going on, one moment he was henged as Zabuza and enjoying the scenery and the next he was being carried off by some crazy nin who was promising she'd fix him.

"I will protect Zabuza no matter what!" she swore as she escaped with the henged Naruto over her shoulder, tied up with ninja wire.

"Zabuza is fine," Naruto tried to reassure her. "He's with us now."

"What do you call yourselves?" she asked shakily as she quickly sat him down, glad its mouth was covered so it couldn't bite her and infect her with … the orange!

"Naruto Uzumaki, pleased to meet you!"

**AN: Typing by godogma!**


	3. Chapter 3

Glaring Problem Episode 3.5

"I am called Haku," she introduced herself, leaning Zabuza's massive sword against a tree.

"It's nice to meet you," Naruto said, creating a clone behind her and dropping the Zabuza henge.

Seeing the creature that had absorbed Zabuza was now free, as the wire she'd tied him up with fell off his much smaller body, she froze.

"So... tell me about yourself," Naruto encouraged, trying to calm her down.

0oOo0

"Are you Anko?" Naruto asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer; who else dressed the way she did?

"Why do you wanna know kid?" she asked, leaning back in her booth and sipping sake.

"'Cause Kakashi said you were the best person to talk to about training, even if I did have to pay off your bar tab first."

Anko snorted. "If you can pay off my tab, I'm yours."

The dango bar owner's met Naruto's, filled with despair – clearly not having a shred of hope that the bill would ever be paid.

Naruto walked up to the owner, who pulled out a small book from behind the bar and handed it to him. Naruto's eyes shot open as he paged through it, quickly flipping to the end. "So, if I pay this you'll train Hanabi-hime?"

Anko chuckled at the kid going through so much trouble for his girl. "If you can pay that, I will gladly be your slave."

"Okay," Naruto said, a clone appearing beside him briefly before popping.

"What was that about?" Anko asked curiously, never having seen anyone use a Kage Bunshin to send a message before due to the enormous chakra costs.

"Sending word up the chain of command for the funds," Naruto replied.

The owner had fallen to his knees and was praying aloud in a language Naruto had never heard before.

Less than a minute later a Naruto came in carrying a bag of cash and a contract, shocking both Anko and the owner.

"Sign here," the Naruto told Anko, handing her a scroll with the Hokage's seal on it.

Anko barely glanced at the contract, her eyes drawn to the payment amount and double checking the Hokage's seal to make sure it was authentic before she signed what she assumed was a mission contract.

Naruto handed the signed contract to the other Naruto to file before handing the large bag of cash to the owner to pay her tab.

Tears ran down the man's face as he cradled the bag like a child.

"Can't believe you got up that much scratch kid, but a deal's a deal, let's go train your girlfriend."

0oOo0

"There is no reason to be idle while we wait!" Hanabi declared to her troops. "I will teach you tree walking, since your sensei hasn't taught you yet."

"Hai my hime!" the group of clones chorused.

Leading a group of clones to a tree, she put her foot on it and began her explanation, "Channeling chakra to your foot..."

0oOo0

"That was a lot easier than I thought it would be," Naruto said as he and Gai returned from dropping Zabuza off at T&I.

"Indeed my youthful friend, and the bonus for having him almost completely unharmed was quite substantial," Gai replied happily.

"What happens to him now?"

"Well Zabuza is highly skilled and very knowledgeable," Gai said thoughtfully, "and since we are not allied with Mist we are not obliged to turn him over to them. How well he is treated will depend entirely upon how cooperative he is."

"Maybe I should have a word with him," Naruto pondered aloud.

"I highly doubt you could say anything that would change a person such as Zabuza of the Mist's mind," Neji scoffed.

Before Naruto could reply, Naruko; a redheaded version of his sexy jutsu minus the whiskers and wearing a banner dress similar to Tenten's arrived. "The favor should be undone in just a minute."

"Naruto," Tenten said firmly, "you can drop the act, Mizuki was very clear about what happened."

"Mizuki is a traitor who sabotaged my training and tried to kill me and Iruka," Naruto said, "so I really don't care what he said while he was doing his best to isolate me."

"Oh," Tenten said, realizing she screwed up rather majorly with him.

Two genin, dressed in all black versions of a samurai and a gymnastics uniform, leapt into the training ground.

"Is it true?" the boy dressed as a samurai demanded. "Have you finally seen the truth and quit your unnatural ways?"

"Brother dear," the gymnast growled, "there is nothing unnatural about two women together, for who but another woman can truly understand and meet a woman's needs?"

The redheaded Naruto clone quickly broke in, "It's true we have broken up. I had thought I'd won her heart, by my unceasing loyalty and refusal to give up in my quest to make her mine, but she talks in her sleep and … I can't go on!"

Tenten paled and attempted a silent Kai, hoping it was all an illusion, to no effect.

"Please," the male asked, "what did she say?"

"She …" tears dripped from the clones eyes as she put on a masterful performance.

"Yes?" the two siblings leaned forward.

"She keeps calling out for ..." the clone sniffed and the tension rose while Tenten looked on horrified.

"Yes?"

"Kuno!" the clone said, causing the two siblings to crash to the ground, which the clone took as her cue to run off crying.

"But which Kuno?" the girl called after her.

"Obviously it was me," the male said proudly.

"I think if she was going to call out for any Kuno in her sleep it would be me," the girl argued.

"We'll just have to ask the bun haired goddess herself!" the male declared.

"She fled while you were talking," Neji said, causing the two sibs to run off to look for her.

Tenten climbed out of the bushes, brushing leaves off herself. "That was evil."

"More evil than to swear eternal friendship with a friendless orphan then pretending he doesn't exist?" Naruto asked.

"I told you," Tenten began but Naruto waved her off.

"You took the word of someone else over mine without a second's hesitation, because even a moment's thought would have shown him to be lying; the twins are the most tenacious hunter nin the village have ever produced and they have never stopped chasing a girl until one of them slept with her or she was seeing someone. I even gave you a second chance and asked for the favor owed, rather than the friendship you had swore and you threw the traitor's words in my face, even after me and Gai made clear what he was," Naruto said coldly, "and you have the nerve to call me evil?"

"It was most unyouthful," Lee said, not clarifying which side he was declaring it for.

"If I really wanted to be evil, I'd have Naru-chan tell them that Tenten likes to be surprised in the bath, or that her ultimate fantasy was to wake up sandwiched between them."

Gai winced and the genin's eyes grew large as they imagined how the two hunter nin would react to that info.

"See, all I did was put things back the way they were, the only difference is that Tenten now knows I kept my word and I now know hers is worthless."

"That's not fair!" Tenten exclaimed.

"A friend doesn't take someone else's word over your own without any proof, so you were never, not for an instant really my friend," Naruto said as if he were talking about the weather.

Tenten flinched like she'd been slapped, but Naruto had already turned away.

"That seemed a little harsh for one so filled with the flames of youth as yourself," Gai said gently.

"To quote the old man's very unyouthful, but occasionally correct son; 'It's almost impossible to help someone by blowing smoke up their ass.'"

Gai laughed and then coughed several times to try and cover it up.

"That means it's hard to help someone when you're always lying to them; better a hard truth than a soft lie."

"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind," Gai agreed, "training is rough, but not so rough as falling in battle."

0oOo0

The Hokage examined the scroll carefully and verified Anko's signature, before completing it and sending it off with one of his secretaries to file.

He wasn't sure why Anko would sign a long term contract with Naruto specifying the terms she did, maybe it was because her biological clock went off while he was in the area or possibly she knew of his bloodline and wanted to give her children its advantages. Whatever the case they were both legal adults and this would give Naruto the family he'd always wanted and ensure the continuance of his clan. Both important goals as far as Sarutobi was concerned.

**Earlier…**

"Here's what I think of your slave contract!" the young woman said, throwing the scroll in the trash as she stormed out of the restaurant with a young man in hot pursuit.

"Mariko, wait! It's not like that at all!"

She stopped, facing away from him. "Than what is it than?"

"You know I've been forbidden to marry, but this contract was written specifically to get around that!" he exclaimed, "it guarantees you get to bear my children and my name as well as a dowry, just to show I'm willing to follow tradition."

"Really?" she asked in a small voice, turning around.

"Really," he promised, "it guarantees you every right you would have as if we were wed and it can't be broken."

"Maybe I was a little hasty," she admitted.

Meanwhile a Naruto had picked the contract out of the trash, to look at it, when a clone popped in a bar across town and he realized he had a contract that fit what Anko wanted! All he had to do was make a copy with their names on it! Was he lucky or what?

0oOo0

"I know what you mean," Naruto said as he began telling Haku a little about his own troubled past.

**Later… **

"You really do understand!" Haku said tearfully before throwing her arms around him.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed a bit tearful himself.

"So you-you is back in Leaf Village?" Haku asked as she wiped her eyes.

"Ah, you caught that did you?" Naruto asked nervously, rubbing the back of his head, wondering how she'd figured out he was a clone.

"Yes," she said, wondering what bloodline had given rise to his fearsome ability to infect and assimilate others.

"My original self is in the village with my friends."

"Zabuza was my one precious person," Haku said sadly.

"He's fine," Naruto promised, "though I'm still trying to figure out what to say to convince him to join us."

"Convince him?" Haku asked hopefully, praying that meant what she thought it did.

"Yeah, see if I can convince him to willingly join us he won't be a missing nin anymore and I'm told he'd be an awesome teacher," Naruto said enthusiastically, thinking about what Gai had said about Zabuza's sword skills.

"You took him-him to your village?" she asked carefully to make sure she understood what was going on.

"Yeah, see Kawarimi is line of sight so ..." Naruto began.

"So you can switch with anyone, as long as you can see them with one of your other bodies!" Haku finished excitedly.

"Exactly," Naruto said proudly, "it helps to have a matching body to switch with, but that only takes a minute."

"Wow!" Haku said, stunned at how little time it took for Naruto to craft new bodies to exact specifications.

Haku suddenly wrapped herself around him, pressing herself as tightly against him as she could. "Take me to Zabuza and I will be your slave."

0oOo0

Team 7 was in the clearing where they had taken Kakashi's bell test, listening to his drunken explanation of the technique, "See all the technique really does is allow you to move through earth like it was water, so you need to be able to swim and you can't see anything so you have to be able to sense chakra to find your target."

Sasuke smiled cheerfully and copied the seals with his Sharingan, sinking up to his chest. "Cold!" he screeched and then relaxed. "Ah, that warmed it up nicely."

Sakura laughed, making a pig-like snorting sound before trying it herself and sinking in up to her knees, before passing out and flopping over backwards.

"Of course it takes a decent amount of chakra control to just affect the ground near you so you don't waste chakra."

Naruto ran to the hand signs a couple of times to make sure he got it. "So you could use it to walk through stone walls like a ghost."

"Swimming through dirt is harder than swimming through water and stone is even worse, both in terms of chakra and strength. Besides, like water it would run leaving a human sized hole in the wall behind you, I found that out at the hot springs!" Kakashi declared proudly before falling over.

Naruto laughed and carefully made several hand signs before sinking into the ground himself and realizing he was stuck dog paddling, as he'd never taken any swimming classes.

0oOo0

"How the hell did you do this?" the grey haired squirrel, who stunk of booze, asked in an amusingly high pitched voice.

"Secret technique," the bright orange squirrel next to him said in a similar tone. "Now come on old man, we're wasting time we could spend traveling."

"Wouldn't it be faster to ride a tiger?"

"They don't sneak around as well," Naruto said shaking his head. "Now follow me!" Naruto flung himself off the tree, catching the wind with flaps of skin between his legs and body.

"Are you nuts?" the older squirrel shrieked when a roar came from behind him and he instinctively copied Naruto's actions.

After a minute he stopped screaming and realized, "This is pretty cool!"

"Yep," one of the orange squirrels flying alongside him agreed, "and no one ever suspects the squirrels!"

0oOo0

Anko finished off her sake. "Okay kid, let's go."

Naruto led her to where Hanabi was watching his clones perform various chakra control exercises and correcting them as needed.

"So what do you need me to teach?" Anko asked curiously as Hanabi approached, taking in all the clones henged as blonde haired Hyuuga and coming to the mistaken impression that the Hyuuga appeared to be trying to make the next generation blonde.

"Flexibility," Hanabi said. "I want to become as flexible as possible."

"Starting a bit young aintcha?" Anko asked, wondering if they were in an arranged marriage. Hell, even Anko didn't start until she was a year or two older than the blonde brat was now.

"I know it'll be years before what you teach me is of any real benefit, but I am planning for the future," Hanabi said formally, just as she'd been instructed to address all her teachers when requesting instruction, to show she knew it took both time and effort to master a skill.

"Good attitude and a brilliant idea," Anko said agreeably. "How about you?"

Naruto just shrugged. "I've mainly just been trying to see that Hanabi-hime gets everything she wants."

"The world would be a happier place if more guys had your attitude, but if she's going through flexibility lessons don't you think you should too?"

"I was thinking that training my stamina would probably be best," Naruto said thoughtfully. "I mean, I know I've got better stamina than anyone in my class, but I've heard jounin have a lot more, so I've got to work on it if I want to keep up."

Anko turned to Hanabi. "Good job snagging him, you really do plan ahead."

Hanabi smiled proudly, before forcing herself back into a neutral mask.

"You should work on flexibility now, it gets a lot harder to work on flexibility as you get older, while you can train stamina easier. It would be even better if you were the same age to get the full benefits."

Naruto henged into a smaller form and Anko ruffled his hair thoughtfully, hiding her surprise at finding his henge was solid.

"This works perfectly, now let's go back to my place. All my equipment is there."

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


End file.
